Sunday, February 10, 2013

The hole in the carpet - Blue City Veins - The Noctural Art Journals

November 20, 2001 9:32 AM

I haven't seen hide nor gold tooth of the  Russian in a few days. Some people say no news is good news. I'm thinking its the calm before the storm. I can feel it. Its up to something. Brewing and stewing away. That damn thing has me on edge.

I have a cat now. I call him "Stinky". I Call him that cuz he wont stop shitting his furry little pants. Poor bastard. I have a weak spot for animals, especially cats. Maybe its the Leo in me. A couple nights ago I heard some howling outside. It was a cat. It must have been at least -20c outside. There it was freezing and shivering. Who knows where it came from or why it picked my doorstep. Maybe it was my cat in a past life, or perhaps I was its cat. It looked wild, like some kind of Lynx or something. When I opened the door he was polite enough to wait for me to invite him in. He was very thin and malnourished. The only food I had to offer my new furry guest was some canned welfare brand creamed corn. He ate the whole damn can! That's when the trouble started. He wouldn't stop farting. It was out of control. The smell went on for a couple days. That's when I decided on his name. He hangs out with me now. I feel like we are old pals.....

While I was working on the sexual vacuum cleaner sculpture I accidentally singed a hole in the living room carpet.

This carpet needs to be replaced. This whole place needs to be replaced, but I kinda like it that way. Its my first place to myself, and has a weird magical feeling to it. It was the first place I looked at and decided right there and then to take it.

Rent is $325 a month with utilities included. I think that's about the average price for a dump these days. Its near a park, and close to downtown. There's a river not to far from here as well. I like it. Stinky seems to like it.

What was I talking about????

Oh right the hole in the carpet.

Well you see, as luck doesn't have it, the landlord left me a message saying she's coming over with someone to inspect my place. This seems odd. I have only been here a few months, why would they need to inspect it? I agreed to it, as not to cause waves, or make her think anything fishy is going on. Its a gamble. It could go one of many ways. It could serve as a way to put her mind at ease that I am a decent tenant, or she could be seeing if I am push over, and start doing all sorts of illegal things like this. Its a gamble. She's a mean old Lesbian. Has her hair in a tight bun on the top of her head. Has a mans name. Hasn't changed her wardrobe since 1974. Something really odd about her and this whole operation.

I don't like the idea of her and some strange pervert inspecting my place. I feel like a mousetrap, there coming over to check the bait. I bet the guy she is with will have a moustache. Lots of moustached comb over perverts in this town. I bet half these hicks are closet homos.  Nothing more dangerous than a closet redneck queer. A town like this you would be strung up by yer ball hairs if they found out you was one of them there fruitcakes. I get enough flack being a vegan. Its almost worse than a fag. I'm going against their way of making a living. Even worse would be if I wasn't white. Its like a small Texas here.

Anyway, back to the carpet. I have 24 hours to fix this carpet before the homeland security shows up, I also have to hide my new furry friend from these cousin screwing nazis. That mean old grizzled lesbo specifically said no cats are allowed in the building. I'll be back in a while with a full report!

12:35 PM

Well I just finished fixing that hole. I figured I would let you know how to do it, in case you are ever caught in a similar situation.

Here's how to fix a burnt hole in the middle of your carpet from a pervatron 2000 sexual vacuum cleaner disaster.

1.With surgical pristine cut around the melted carpet. Xacto knives work best.

2.Fill the hole with some fodder, I used dirt, so that the new piece of carpet you place on it will not sink lower than the existing carpet.

3.Find a piece of replacement carpet. Make sure its the same kind of carpet. That's very important. I recommend grafting a new piece of carpet from an area that it wont be missed.
For obvious reasons, it will do you no good to cut out another piece of carpet beside the old one. The closet is a good place to cut out some carpet. No one will notice it missing, at least not during an inspection. Carpet Under a hot water radiator could work as well. Be creative.

4.Make sure to cut it a little bit larger than the hole its going in.

5.Due to the fact that the new piece of carpet is from a place with little to no foot traffic it will look too new, compared to the filthy living room slum lord carpet. Remedy this by rubbing dirt, spit and pubic hairs all over it. The objective is to make it match with the perimeter.

6.When placing the new piece of carpet in the hole, make sure its weave is going the same direction as the rest of the carpet.

7.Ooopps this should be after 4. Anyways, you need glue. Glue that can adhere to dirt. Be careful, some glues will start melting the carpet with chemical heat. I would use wood glue, caulking or a glue gun.

8.Let it set, you don't want it sinking lower than the other carpet.

9. Fray the replacement patches edges so they blend in with the old carpet. (Use a steak knife for this)

10. Erase this covert operation from your head. Landlords can sniff out these sorts of things, that's what they are trained to do. If they even pick up a whiff of your fear, or catch you sweating and glancing at the hole you are doomed.

I hope this was helpful.


1 comment:

  1. bawhaha I found myself reading the instructions earnestly then shaken out of my domestic curiosity when I came to dirt and pubic hair. Then realized, wait...I don't even have carpets or a landlord! And what is the Russian doing? Is it creating steam-punk radio transmitters in the basement? Is Stinky the cat the Russian's diversion? Looking forward to finding out.